1、I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

　　開始我直接求上帝賜輛自行車，后來我琢磨上帝辦事兒不是這個路數，于是老子偷了一輛然后求上帝寬恕。

　　2、I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

　　我希望能像爺爺那樣，安靜地在睡夢中死去，而不是要像他開的車上那些慘叫滴乘客一樣死法啊!

　　3、Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

　　你永遠不能戰勝一個純SB，因為他會把你的智商拉到跟他個水平，然后用豐富的經驗打敗你。

　　4、The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

　　直譯：在這個世界上，我最不愿意做的事就是傷害你，但是這件事仍在我的考慮之列。

　　意譯a：我真不想傷害你，但你也別逼我。

　　意譯b：吾雖不殺伯仁，伯仁由我而死。

　　5、If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong…

　　a. 如覺嘿咻乃屁眼不能承受之痛，那是你操錯洞。

　　b. 若XXOO是下體的痛，那么，是你操錯。

　　6、The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

　　a. 早起滴小鳥有蟲蟲!晚到的老鼠有奶酪!

　　b. 早起的鳥兒有蟲吃，早起的蟲兒被鳥吃。

　　7、We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

　　在咱們這噶噠送外賣的都比警察來的快.

　　8、Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

　　XXOO就象打橋牌。如果對手不好使，自己的手必須好使。

　　9、 Some people are like Slinkies,not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

　　有些人就像Slinkies(彈簧玩具)，沒什么實在用處，但看他們在樓梯上倒騰來搗騰去還是很有喜感。

　　10、Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

　　政客和紙尿布有一個共同點就是：他們都很有規律地被替換，而且因為同一個理由——臟了!

　　11、War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

　　戰爭不能決出正義，但能判出哪方出局。

　　12、Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

　　a. 女人的高潮可能是裝出來的，但是男人TMD可以整段感情都是裝出來的!

　　b. 女人假裝高潮以獲取真實的感情，男人假裝感情以獲取真實的高潮。

　　13、We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

　　我們永遠不可能真正的成熟，我們只是學會在眾人面前裝逼。

　　14、Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

　　男人就兩種狀態：餓和性饑渴。 要是他不硬，就給他個三明治!

　　15、Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

　　光總是比聲音跑的快點，這就是為嘛有些SB只有在開口說話之后你才發現他是在裝B。

　　16、My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

　　我媽每次對著我罵草泥馬的時候都沒看出其中笑點。

　　17、I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

　　曾以為我想要的是職業，結果發現我只是想要工資。

　　18、If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

　　你要是覺得沒人在乎你的死活，那你不妨嘗試一下跟你的債主玩躲貓貓~~

　　19、Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.

　　XXOO并不是結論而是個問題，爽不爽才是答案。

　　20、Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

　　晚間新聞總是以“晚上好”開頭，再告訴你你為什么好不了。

　　21、How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

　　直譯：一根火柴能點著整片森林，一盒火柴也生不起個營火，這咋回事!

　　意譯：想當年哥戴套都能讓人懷孕，看今朝叔竟然去看男科。

　　22、If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?

　　如果4/5的人在忍受腹瀉的痛苦，那剩下1/5咋回事?很享受嗎?

　　23、Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

　　直譯：知識就是說你知道西紅柿是一種水果;智慧就好似不要把它放進水果沙拉里。

　　意譯a：知識就是告訴你說應該把雞蛋放進籃子，智慧則是叫你不要把所有雞蛋都放進一個籃子。

　　意譯b：所謂知識就是知道韓少和小四都屬于80后，但智慧的貓撲告訴你這終還是男女有別~

　　24、If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

　　上帝瞅著咱們呢，大伙好歹喜感點吧!

　　25、Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

　　無論，在任何情況下，永遠，不要在一個夜晚，同時吃，安眠藥和通便靈。

　　26、I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

　　老子拼死拼活奮斗到食物鏈頂端，不是為了成為一個素食者。

　　27、A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

　　公車站呀公車停，火車站呀火車停，俺桌上有個工作站。

　　28、If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.

　　要是我聽你的，咱倆就都2B了。

　　29、 Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

　　海豚可聰明了你知道不?只要馴養幾個星期，它們就能讓人類乖乖站在池邊給它們扔魚吃了。

　　30、A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

　　a. 下棋，我不行;玩跆拳道，電腦不行!

　　b. 下象棋電腦把我玩得團團轉，拳擊我能把機箱踹得七零八散!

　　31、I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”

　　瞅見個姐姐，胸前衣服上寫著“Guess”，俺就問了一句：“隆過?”

　　32、 Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

　　孩子就是：你先花2年，教丫們走路和說話。然后你再花16年教丫們坐定和閉嘴。

　　33、Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

　　為什么當你說天上有400億星星時他不懷疑，卻偏要檢查你所說的“油漆未干”?

　　34、Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

　　a. 寧愿閉嘴當傻瓜，也別學烏鴉亂呱呱。

　　b. 越解釋越SB，不說話最NB。

　　c. 剽悍的人生不需要解釋

　　d. 貓撲里的話說就是：寧可閉口被人當SB，也不張口解釋所有疑。

　　35、A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.

　　銀行就是當你證明了你不需要錢的時候可以借錢給你的地方。

　　36、Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

　　a.對你的問題哈哈大笑吧，別人都在這么做。

　　b. 你有什么不開心的?說出來給大家開心開心。

　　37、The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

　　a. 我知道沒人在我腦子里跟我聊天，但那些話真TM有用!

　　b. 我幻想的低吟不一定是真的，但足夠讓我意淫。

　　38、A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

　　a. 無愧于心哈?記性不好吧?

　　b. 自從那次在人妖身邊醒來，每次去夜店我都提醒自己“一定要戴眼鏡……”

　　c. 意識清醒了，意味著不堪回首了。

　　39、Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

　　a. 所謂的好姑娘，咳!就是還沒被群眾抓到的JP女。

　　b. 想立牌坊就得會裝。

　　40、He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

　　臨危忽然微笑的那誰，定是找到替罪羊鳥~

　　41、 Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

　　如果女人能做到以禿頂和啤酒肚在大街上晃還覺得自己倍兒性感——此時估計男女能平等。

　　42、The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

　　小腿上的骨頭——在黑房間里找準家具位置的好裝備。

　　43、The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

　　圣誕老人當然美，他知道所有YD妞住哪兒啊!

　　44、To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

　　直譯：剽竊一個人的叫剽竊，剽竊許多人的叫研究。

　　意譯：竊鉤者誅，竊國者為諸侯。

　　45、Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

　　有些人一來大家就開心了;有些人一走大家就開心了。

　　46、 I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

　　我發現，我滴腳丫被一小片兒海藻擦過時，我滴那個慘叫聲——和我被大白鯊嚇壞時的慘叫聲是一樣滴。

　　47、Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

　　直譯：你若是擠滿人的電梯里的小矮人，肯定能嗅出不同的味兒。

　　意譯：靈感來自于所站的角度與眾不同。

　　48、I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

　　我可沒怨你!我是在譴責你!

　　49、 Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?

　　當我填表的時候，有一項是“緊急情況聯系” ，我填上了“醫生”，到時候我媽能幫上什么忙?!

　　50、God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

　　上帝一定倍兒愛SB，不然他造這么多!(via)

　　小明上英文課時跟老師說：May I go to the toilet?

　　老師說：Go ahead.

　　小明就坐了下來。過了一會兒，小明又跟老師說：May I go to the toilet?

　　老師說：Go ahead.

　　小明又坐了下來。他旁邊的同學于是忍不住問：你不是跟老師說要上廁所嗎?怎么不去?小明說：你沒聽老師說"去你個頭,啊!"